Bebel Gilberto

Make love to me Bebel... Make love to me with your voice.

There is something magical an almost otherworldly about the sound of your voice. When I hear it I immediately forget where I am in space and time. It is as if I am transported to another world. I don't know how to put it any more simpler than that. Few other things in this world are capable of giving me such a warm smile and such joyful tears. You make my soul happy.

Jobs

I've been becoming increasingly depressed lately, almost bordering on insanity I think. I'm so sick of jobs, of employment, the looking, the lies, the disappointment. I can't help but feel betrayed by humanity time and time again. Everything here is about money, money money. None of it is about the person. If it's got nothing to do with the person, why am I forced to endure 100s of excrutiating and humiliating and degrading interviews. I'm sick of hearing all the lies about the company and about the job your hiring for. I can't stand the fake niceness, and being asked personal questions only to be chewed up and spit out. I've had eight places of employment in Buffalo in the 3 years I've been here, that I can think of. And all of them have been rude and impersonal and money grubbing, and discourteous, and deceitful (often asking me to do deceitful things as well), and often just plain unprofessional. why are there no ethics in Buffalo. Why is there so much god damn racism and implied segregation. I'm bordering on the edge. I want to go somewhere where people are human. I'm not interested in the superficial, the short time gains, the rampant gambling. I can't even face the world anymore. I just want to stay inside in my own little box for the rest of my life.

Musical

The other day on the local classical music station WNED, I heard the most brilliant performance of Chopin's "Heroic" Polonaise in A flat major. It was so perfect... I had never heard this piece properly played all the way through before. I don't know if it is Polish pride in me, or just a deeper human understanding, but this music brought me to tears and gave me a wonderful smile. I just can't further describe the feelings it gave me. I've always loved many of Chopin's works, but this piece... I think if I had an anthem, I would want it to be this piece. It just gives me those proud to be alive feelings.

Also, I am currently house sitting and was very bored today. I recorded some piano music after searching long and hard to find the proper microphone equipment in alex's mess of a work room. I also managed to figure out how to work his amp, and while I've had my guitar since April, I still have not yet played it with an amp let alone effects. It's a classical style accoustic electric. Well I figured it out and had my first experience playing electric guitar with effects and whatnot. 'Twas fun to say the least. A minor diversion from regular practice, which I think is quite healthy to indulge in every now and again.

Angst

I've written two small pieces for classical guitar this week. I wonder if this is the beginning of another creative streak. I've been devoid of any inspiration for many months now. Now that I'm finally skilled enough to start exploring the range of my guitar I can start writing again. I'm also thinking about writing something for piano as well. I will be house sitting next weekend and there is a piano there. Perhaps I could record something while I'm there. I prefer to be musically inspired than to sit there and have only garbage come out of my pencil. Anyway, I had a successful phone interview today for another computer job. Don't know if I'll get a real interview or not, but at least I didn't fuck up and accidentally swear or anything like that, so kudos to me. I'm not sure why I have such an aversion towards working lately. I feel so much more excited about sitting at home and wallowing than to actually try and earn money. I wish I could live without money. I'm so disillusioned. There is nothing that I want. Nothing that I need. Why should I have to agree to exist in the burdens of an affluent world. I'd be happy eating pine cones all day if I could just be warm and safe and not have to pay whopping amounts of rent. The only reason I spend money is just to get rid of it. If I did not have any I wouldn't even care about buying that exotic piece of fruit. I don't even need to drive anywhere, but I do because I have the money to occasionally buy gas. Anyways, enough of that. I made Clafoutis. It is a french pastry involving cherries. Go here for the recipe clafoutis recipe. It makes a splendid breakfast treat or late night snack. Excellent on its own, but can easily be made sweeter if topped with honey or maple syrup depending on your mood.

New favorite past time

Candace got me a harmonica for my birthday. Now I've never played one before, but it was easy to pick up. It's strange how so often something new that I've never done before gives me the feeling of as if I'm doing something I've always done before. Like and old hobby or past time. Like the feeling of, "oh that? I've always done that...". I dunno it's weird. But it is fun to just sit around and harmonica every now and then. I still like my guitar and piano skills though.

Planets

I think I've made good choices in life. I'm very happy with the quality of experiences I've had. I think satisfied would be the word for it. I remember being a kid and tv and movies would sometimes depict a dying old person wishing they had done more with his or her life. Or just some older person having a crisis and needing to do some childish thing to feel good about the life they lived. I've experienced a wide spectrum of emotions and events. I'm not completely worldly and distinguished, but I was no hermit either. I certainly did not hold back with my experiences. It's not necessarily about happiness. It's about experiencing the world, observing, interacting, being. I've felt intense joys, and intense pains, and extreme sorrows, and fierce anger, and a great deal of every spectrum of human existence. I cherished all of it equally. If I were told I would die tomorrow, or even within the hour, I would be content. That is if not for thinking of those who love me, but that will not change even when I'm old and gray. My life from here on is just gravy. This planet is mine to live on and be a part of.

The Crab Walk

I went on a week long trip to Maine this month. It was so refreshing to visit a land filled with nice pleasant people who couldn't care less about the latest fashions or fads. New York is full of douche bags, and apparently Massachusets is full of assholes. But I digress, I absolutely love the nature in Maine. Climbing mountains has become one of my favorite things to do in the world. Since Buffalo is nothing but flat swampland, I'm going to have to move by the end of the year, lest I shoot myself. Maine doesn't seem to have as many cool places for cheap food, at least not at first glance, but there are some choice restaurants with reasonably priced deliciousness for when I can loose a few dollahs. I think I would be very happy living there or somewhere just like it.
Things I learned in Maine: "Ah yah", "I s'pose", State bird is the chickadee (not the puffin), state flower is the pine cone(?), trailer homes are very popular, Leon Leon Wood Bean seems to clothe the entire state, anything is better with blueberries in it, fiddleheads are a delicassy, there are almost no black people, and everyone has a lobster for a pet.