Bebel Gilberto

Make love to me Bebel... Make love to me with your voice.

There is something magical an almost otherworldly about the sound of your voice. When I hear it I immediately forget where I am in space and time. It is as if I am transported to another world. I don't know how to put it any more simpler than that. Few other things in this world are capable of giving me such a warm smile and such joyful tears. You make my soul happy.

Jobs

I've been becoming increasingly depressed lately, almost bordering on insanity I think. I'm so sick of jobs, of employment, the looking, the lies, the disappointment. I can't help but feel betrayed by humanity time and time again. Everything here is about money, money money. None of it is about the person. If it's got nothing to do with the person, why am I forced to endure 100s of excrutiating and humiliating and degrading interviews. I'm sick of hearing all the lies about the company and about the job your hiring for. I can't stand the fake niceness, and being asked personal questions only to be chewed up and spit out. I've had eight places of employment in Buffalo in the 3 years I've been here, that I can think of. And all of them have been rude and impersonal and money grubbing, and discourteous, and deceitful (often asking me to do deceitful things as well), and often just plain unprofessional. why are there no ethics in Buffalo. Why is there so much god damn racism and implied segregation. I'm bordering on the edge. I want to go somewhere where people are human. I'm not interested in the superficial, the short time gains, the rampant gambling. I can't even face the world anymore. I just want to stay inside in my own little box for the rest of my life.

Musical

The other day on the local classical music station WNED, I heard the most brilliant performance of Chopin's "Heroic" Polonaise in A flat major. It was so perfect... I had never heard this piece properly played all the way through before. I don't know if it is Polish pride in me, or just a deeper human understanding, but this music brought me to tears and gave me a wonderful smile. I just can't further describe the feelings it gave me. I've always loved many of Chopin's works, but this piece... I think if I had an anthem, I would want it to be this piece. It just gives me those proud to be alive feelings.

Also, I am currently house sitting and was very bored today. I recorded some piano music after searching long and hard to find the proper microphone equipment in alex's mess of a work room. I also managed to figure out how to work his amp, and while I've had my guitar since April, I still have not yet played it with an amp let alone effects. It's a classical style accoustic electric. Well I figured it out and had my first experience playing electric guitar with effects and whatnot. 'Twas fun to say the least. A minor diversion from regular practice, which I think is quite healthy to indulge in every now and again.

Angst

I've written two small pieces for classical guitar this week. I wonder if this is the beginning of another creative streak. I've been devoid of any inspiration for many months now. Now that I'm finally skilled enough to start exploring the range of my guitar I can start writing again. I'm also thinking about writing something for piano as well. I will be house sitting next weekend and there is a piano there. Perhaps I could record something while I'm there. I prefer to be musically inspired than to sit there and have only garbage come out of my pencil. Anyway, I had a successful phone interview today for another computer job. Don't know if I'll get a real interview or not, but at least I didn't fuck up and accidentally swear or anything like that, so kudos to me. I'm not sure why I have such an aversion towards working lately. I feel so much more excited about sitting at home and wallowing than to actually try and earn money. I wish I could live without money. I'm so disillusioned. There is nothing that I want. Nothing that I need. Why should I have to agree to exist in the burdens of an affluent world. I'd be happy eating pine cones all day if I could just be warm and safe and not have to pay whopping amounts of rent. The only reason I spend money is just to get rid of it. If I did not have any I wouldn't even care about buying that exotic piece of fruit. I don't even need to drive anywhere, but I do because I have the money to occasionally buy gas. Anyways, enough of that. I made Clafoutis. It is a french pastry involving cherries. Go here for the recipe clafoutis recipe. It makes a splendid breakfast treat or late night snack. Excellent on its own, but can easily be made sweeter if topped with honey or maple syrup depending on your mood.

New favorite past time

Candace got me a harmonica for my birthday. Now I've never played one before, but it was easy to pick up. It's strange how so often something new that I've never done before gives me the feeling of as if I'm doing something I've always done before. Like and old hobby or past time. Like the feeling of, "oh that? I've always done that...". I dunno it's weird. But it is fun to just sit around and harmonica every now and then. I still like my guitar and piano skills though.

Planets

I think I've made good choices in life. I'm very happy with the quality of experiences I've had. I think satisfied would be the word for it. I remember being a kid and tv and movies would sometimes depict a dying old person wishing they had done more with his or her life. Or just some older person having a crisis and needing to do some childish thing to feel good about the life they lived. I've experienced a wide spectrum of emotions and events. I'm not completely worldly and distinguished, but I was no hermit either. I certainly did not hold back with my experiences. It's not necessarily about happiness. It's about experiencing the world, observing, interacting, being. I've felt intense joys, and intense pains, and extreme sorrows, and fierce anger, and a great deal of every spectrum of human existence. I cherished all of it equally. If I were told I would die tomorrow, or even within the hour, I would be content. That is if not for thinking of those who love me, but that will not change even when I'm old and gray. My life from here on is just gravy. This planet is mine to live on and be a part of.

The Crab Walk

I went on a week long trip to Maine this month. It was so refreshing to visit a land filled with nice pleasant people who couldn't care less about the latest fashions or fads. New York is full of douche bags, and apparently Massachusets is full of assholes. But I digress, I absolutely love the nature in Maine. Climbing mountains has become one of my favorite things to do in the world. Since Buffalo is nothing but flat swampland, I'm going to have to move by the end of the year, lest I shoot myself. Maine doesn't seem to have as many cool places for cheap food, at least not at first glance, but there are some choice restaurants with reasonably priced deliciousness for when I can loose a few dollahs. I think I would be very happy living there or somewhere just like it.
Things I learned in Maine: "Ah yah", "I s'pose", State bird is the chickadee (not the puffin), state flower is the pine cone(?), trailer homes are very popular, Leon Leon Wood Bean seems to clothe the entire state, anything is better with blueberries in it, fiddleheads are a delicassy, there are almost no black people, and everyone has a lobster for a pet.

Cooking

Well I guess it is time to break out my paring knife and practice my knife skills for the next week or two, because starting april 28th, I should be starting a cooking job at the Top of the Falls Restaurant in Niagara Falls. It should be a fun experience for the summer to mid-fall. I need to do something where I am on my feet most of the day instead of sitting at a desk for 10 or more hours working overtime every day, and staring at a computer screen that gives me crippling migraines. This will be much better for my health, and will also be fun! All my years of watching food network will probably pay off a little bit. Alton Brown is a good teacher. Now to make myself some crepes with an apricot cream cheese filling (or possibly ricotta).

Brains

I often wonder if existence is easier for people who don't have chronic head and brain problems. I also often wonder if when I get depressed if it is because of how my brain problems affect my life, or if it is because there is a problem in my brain and it's chemically making me depressed. Well, in either case, I just ignore it nowadays. I'm on a different level than the rest of the world, and I can accept that, and just be whatever I need to be to survive. I was in the middle of doing some yoga, but I had to take a break, because I couldn't concentrate anymore. I was seeing too many flashy lights in my eyes, and they were too distracting. Something I'm sure happens to everyone when you're just chillin' out in a dark room, you start seeing flashy annoying lights in your eyes, and get sharp pains in your head. I guess it's a good thing it doesn't happen to everyone in the world on a daily basis. Then the world population would be as jaded as I am, and then nothing would get done. Civilization would probably collapse, and we'd all be living in caves underground to escape the sunlight. Now that's an idea...
Perhaps it is just evolution weeding me out. Maybe I'm not cut out for a 21st century ultra UV sunlight world. But that is what sunglasses are for. Just another of humanity's countless tools and inventions designed for beating evolution, kinda like those handicapped parking spots you see at the mall and such. It's a little strange to think about why we try to protect so many endangered species of animals. We try so hard to delay evolution by keeping endangereds from dying off, but that is how those animals arrived on earth in the first place, through the extinction of previous species, they have evolved. Perhaps we just do not want to accept the fleeting nature of the world's beauty. It is the same way with a lot of celebrities and rich folks, the idea that beauty is not special if it is not permanent. This is what repeated cosmetic surgeries are about. As if looking like a thin 20 year old your whole life is proof that you've somehow beaten nature. We don't want to accept the roles of death and extinction and change. We want so hard to believe that we are different from animals and the rest of the planet, and that we are free from all those rules that keep us from staying perfect forever. If life were static it would cease to be life.

Yoga

I've become re-infatuated with yoga again for the first time in a few years. I'm determined to raise myself to a higher level existence... Not. I just enjoy the stretching and the physical aspect of it. I particularly enjoy the fact that I'm able to do the more advanced moves with some ease now, especially the arm balancing postures. Hopefully this yoga biz will help my migraines a little. I never got any results in the past, but maybe now, ya never know. Right now I've been suffering from some viral throat infection all weekend. It hasn't prevented me from doing the more meaningful things in life yet. i.e. lounging in the sun, jumping around, climbing things, prowling, and other cat-like activities. I've just been doing these things as a slightly dizzy cat-kevin, dizzy from the illness/fever/whatever. Anyway, I will quite enjoy making crepes tomorrow. I bought cheese and cheese and fruit to put in them, so they should incredibly delicious. Or as they say down in tiajuana, "¡Muy Muy Delicioso! mas tequila por favor". Anyway, I'm being pressured to finish this blog, so I'm ending this post.

Viral Infections

Well, it turns out that I caught a viral infection when I went to Zetti's last night. I don't know how to pronounce what it is, but at least it is not strep. Good news, is that I'm not supposed to go to work now until next week. Doctor's orders, yay! I finally found a nice doctor at that school health facilities. She says she suffers from migraines too, and even though that wasn't the reason for my visit, we talked about them a little, and she gave me a bunch of free meds to try for when I get my next migraine. Migraines, are strange. It's hard to be completely sympathetic unless you've had them yourself I think. I think I'll try Imitrex next time. It sounded like the safest one. I always worry about triptans, because of the possibility of rebound headaches, but what the hell. Doc was super nice, and convinced me to take them.
Also, I'm currently baking the blueberry meringue. I put a tiny bit of blueberry juice in the meringue part, and it turned blue! Yay, I love blue freaky meringues.

Budgets

Budgeting is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don't think I was organized enough this month. I was going to give myself a stipend of money to spend things on this month, but then lost track of all my receipts, and I think I spent a little more than I wanted to. I gave myself over $100 leeway though, so I still have enough to cover rent and auto insurance. I just did not want to come so close so soon. Oh well, I'll just add my receipts for the week and see where exactly I turned out. In other news I am kinda sick today so I will not be going in to work. I've been missing a lot of days lately, and I should probably make up for it, but I really dislike working there. It's not a very challenging environment and I just feel so absurd sitting there wasting everybody's time all day, and them wasting my time. Even if they are paying me well, it is not enough to buy small amounts of happiness when I won't have a reasonable amount of time to enjoy said happiness due to the job. So I'm going to take the day off, and see if they still wish to continue paying me. You might ask then, "if you aren't working what are your plans for the day?". Simple. Bake delicious pies! I have ingredients for a blueberry meringue that should turn out splendid with plenty leftover for future pies as well. Anyway, it's off to the bank I go. Tra la la.

Bananaphone

I had a thought that struck me in just the right way so as to halt my sleeping efforts tonight. Therefore, I have decided to follow suit with Candy and her blog, not out of envy, but as a useful medium to quell the storms in my mind. Perhaps I have had a sudden clarification of certain issues that I have faced throughout the past months. I've always tried to believe that everyone is equal, not even in just a biblical sense, but in an actual real sense as well. I think there is something deeply common between humankind. It is easy to falter in these beliefs on a day to day basis when one has not recently been reminded of how greatly circumstances and life events can shape the way we act towards one another. Typical examples happen everywhere every day: a rude look from a passerby, using foul language in public, a child being beaten by a parent, road raged gestures, vaguely or obviously racist conversations or actions. Any of these could seem perfectly normal, average, upsetting, aggravating, or even funny depending on the person, context, situation, age, generation, group of people... etc. The more perspective you try to have in life, the more different viewpoints, alternate ways of looking at things, the more you try to think about why someone does something, the harder it is to stick to strict methods of thinking that some people are just less civilized or more evil or less good than others. Maybe someone just had a bad day. Think about how many times you may have had a bad day and snubbed a stranger instead of smiling and saying hello (or done worse things). Then think about the millions (billions?) of people in the world and how many bad days are happening at any given moment. This could also be in the millions or at least several hundred thousands. More often I see just how closer, after witnessing these acts of antisocial behavior, I feel to humanity, how I can think myself into, or have been in, the other person's shoes.
I often have doubts about the way I believe. Sometimes it's easier to fall down a path that leads to feeling like some people are just inherently less good, that wrong injustices have taken place that need not have happened originally. To add to previous statements, I have been thinking a great deal while trying to sleep. And I think I have realized a bit more. It is completely possible for the human brain to program itself, or brainwash in a way, into paradoxical or impossible thought patterns. Like a computer application, the brain can function as a state machine. As a child, physically the brain is freer. The brain has so many open possibilities, it has not yet been hardened and structured by so many nerve connections that make up the adult brain. It is important to try to achieve this kind of mindset, even if it might only be an imitation of a pure connectionless innocence. As an adult, our life experiences and revelations form concrete nerve connections in the brain, forming a more solid structure, one that often finds easiest paths within the already formed structure, as opposed to forming new connections all the time. This is why the older we get, the more "set in our ways" we become. It is physically easier for the brain to follow the state structure we have created. When faced with similar situations in life, connections have already been made that tell us how we have dealt with the situation in the past. Therefore, it is always easier to repeat the past. It is always more comforting to do as we have done as a teenager or young adult. The brain has been programmed a certain way, either by parents, life experiences, individual experiences, or social/societal influences. Everyone seems so different in that, yes all our brains have been programmed differently due to these experiences and thoughts. But given the same experiences and thoughts, would you really be able to see yourself as much different than anybody else? I believe it is better to think openly and try to achieve that childlike state of freeness in mind, than constantly live with rigid thoughts thinking only as an individual, thinking that I am completely different than everyone else. Equality, not difference.
I think it is entirely possible for the human brain to accidentally program itself into dangerous situations. I think thoughts patterns can occur that lead the brain into a state that cannot be recovered from. Think of the thought patterns in the brain as going through a maze, making choices to navigate through each part of the maze, except when you make a choice "right" or "left" or "whatever" you also change the topography of the maze. A situation can arise where you reach a dead end mentally and the way back has also turned into a dead end, so you are boxed in. Or say your brain actually thinks one of the dead ends is an exit, but that exit is suicide. It should always be possible to reprogram the brain to open a path besides the dead end and the "exit". But once in that state the option of rethinking your way out does not exist. It can not be seen from your current vantage point, and changing the maze can take a long time. This is something I realized that I had known before, but I still had lapses in faith during the bad times. I programmed myself into terrible, restrictive, and selfish thought patterns. It is better to think like the child. Life is safer when you don't know anything.

Oh yeah, p.s. I'm going to try learning the song Bananaphone by Raffi on my guitar. Whee!